I think it's "That Time of The Year".

I am feeling low. I'm feeling blah. I'm feeling unworthy, untalented and just "un-" everything. I said something to Ben over the weekend in jest but it really struck a chord with him. I said to him, "Why am I here? What is my purpose in this life?" (At the time I was just really frustrated with algebra.)

This statement has stuck with me like oatmeal that "sticks to your ribs" for the last two days.

But it's how I think I feel right now. I get up, I do morning "stuff", I workout (most days), take a shower, get dressed, go to work, come home from work, make something to eat, watch 30min to an hour of tv, go to bed and repeat the process Monday through Thursday.

I don't know why I was put on this planet. The older I get the more I feel less adequate because it seems like all those around me are so much better than I am.

I am not suicidal (in cas anyone thought so) but I still ponder why I was put on this planet. I just don't feel like I have anything special to contribute to the world. Other than being a friend, companion and wife to Ben what else is there? Ok, ok... I'm a good "Kitty Mommy" but that doesn't take a lot of effort really.

I just feel ordinary. Average. And lately, I've even been discontented with a lot of physical stuff. I don't like a lot of things about my body and lately, I've noticed that the backs of my upper arms seem really flabby. I don't recall this being a problem before and it concerns me. Now, everytime I look in the mirror my eyes shift right to my arms. Add to the fact that I haven't had a good hair style in so long that I can't recall. I'm tired of fighting with it.

Then I was also pondering this morning why I bother spending any time putting on my makeup so meticulously, picking out an "ensemble" to wear and trying to create a flattering look with my hair. I mean, does anyone here at work even care? I highly doubt it. I could probably walk in here with jeans, teeshirt, sneakers, no makeup and ucky looking hair and no one would bother to notice. And more so, they wouldn't even care.

I don't mean to whine and complain, but you know how it goes... often if we just write out our feelings it can have a healing effect. At least one can hope so.

I just wonder when I'm going to be to a point where I feel joyful again. Wondering when I'll feel like I am important, special, loved, etc.

"Calgon, take me away!!!"

Until next time...peace, love & HEALTH!!!